Monday. The first day of the week, nobody likes them unless they’re in the holidays. Unfortunately today wasn’t a holiday. After twenty precious minutes of snoozing, I got out of bed and made my way down stairs. It was 7:30. Great, I was already late for work. I grabbed yesterdays jeans from the wash basket and threw on my favourite red top, I guess I looked acceptable. As I waded into the kitchen the aroma of black coffee wafted around. Black coffee only meant one thing- Danni was here. Danni was the trainee I looked after 24/7. She lived in the basement of our block of flats but hung around mostly in my domain.
“You need to hurry up Scar. At the rate you’re moving we aren’t likely to get to work before Christmas”
“Let me get my keys and we’ll be off, okay.”
Danni sighed in response, I had to give her a lift into work each morning and so far she had already been told off every day for the last few weeks. I knew she was scared of getting the sack but Thomas would never even consider getting rid of her. Danni not only was an excellent detective but also knew first aid and forensics. Shame I can’t say the same for me.
After five minutes of routing through my black suede handbag I found my keys, as always they were right at the bottom. Me and Danni walked out my flat together and hopped into my mini. We talked briefly about the weekend but most of the drive down town was silent. This was fine with me, my conversation skills don’t usually kick in till gone nine in the mornings. As soon as I got through the door of HQ I was dragged into Detective Thomas’ office. I expected the usual ‘your late rant’ but surprisingly I didn’t receive it
“Good morning Scarlett” Thomas smiled warmly at me but did not offer me a seat which usually means I’ll be heading off someplace. As he rambled on about the weather I observed his outfit, today he was wearing a striped suit with a red tie which read ‘I’m innocent’- how ironic.
“Did you want something sir.” I asked with all the pleasantness I could muster.
“Actually I did. There’s been a shoot up at 74 Asylum Street, I want you and Danni to head down there and take a look at the scene of crime and see what sort of forensics they’ve got so far”
“Right” Like always if anyone was killed it would be me who was sent to find the criminal. I was the only CID detective in our little town.
“Oh and Scarlett, this is not a.not a usual murder. I think you’ll find it different from the others.” Thomas warned me.
I muttered ‘thanks’ and then exited through one of the many doors in his office. After explaining the situation to Danni we both went off to gather up our various pieces of equipment. In my briefcase I took all my usual items; notebook, gloves, bags, handcuffs, CS spray, radios and finally but just as pre-caution my hand gun. So far I’ve never had to use it and hopefully it will stay that way.but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
I met Danni at reception as we arranged then grabbed the keys for the employees van. Asylum Street was rough and my car was new, I didn’t want it getting vandalised as it had been before.
English homework-start of my detective story. Im 13, what do you think .
I have used paragraphed this but i copid and pasted straight from word and the spaces arn’t showing- sorry.
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3 Responses to “What do you think of my story. Homework.”
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I am getting lazy. I got tired of typing out the same links. This page has links to a number of writer’s communities where you can post your writing for reviews. http://sites.google.com/site/allusionsanddreams/home/resources-1 GL.
Pretty good. I saw a few typos and an incorrectly used word here and there but nothing you can’t fix on the next rewrite. I have to wonder how long this story has to be, because if it’s a short story you don’t have time for the details you gave above. If it’s novel or novella length, then you’re fine, but if it’s meant to be a short story you need to begin where the above piece ends; getting right into the meat of the story.
Lovely start. Now I want to find out what happens next. Haha
The only thing that I could really say (and I say this to everyone) is proofread by hand and spellcheck yourself. There are a few grammar errors, some punctuation errors, etc. Semi-colons are your friends; don’t get comma-happy- I used to have a ton of trouble with that.
As someone who naturally checks these things (I’m asked by my teachers in school to proofread students’ papers) it just sticks out to me. The plot is progressing nicely, but I would like to see a bit more imagery. First-person perspective has the potential to really connect with the reader, but you have to have the emotions and reactions there. We know that Scarlett is annoyed by Danni, but could you expand on that with (at least the beginning) of a rant. The characters have some heart, but they’re just itching with desire to spring into full 3-D people.
By the way, I’m almost 15 and have had much experience writing. Good luck.