Comments on: I’m writing a story. Here’s the first chapter. Do you like it.

By: burberry niche

burberry niche — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

there’s not really a good intro

By: supernaturallyobsessed

supernaturallyobsessed — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

It’s a great plot but it seems to rushed through.

But I’m confused.why is she befriending the son of the man who arrested her parents.

Overall a great story.

By: Yevatron ~Believe!~

Yevatron ~Believe!~ — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Um. there is practically no action in this story. dont like it. first of all, how can annabelle think she wont see her parents again if they’re only going to prison for a couple weeks. and how does she have eggs and orange juice and butter if theres no food. did they steal that too. gawsh. its actually kinda boring. im sorry.

By: carlyy

carlyy — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Good start-however, for the first chapter I’d put in some background info. Like them on the streets, looking for food. It kinda took me a little while to know exactly what was going on. Good luck(:

Hey, my name is Carly too.

By: e.watsonfan

e.watsonfan — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

It’s OKAY, but you need to work on some things.
Like, when you say ‘Owwwwww’ you don’t need all the ‘w’.’Ow.’ would work just as fine.
Don’t use so many ‘I’s
And also, I don’t think they are going to leave a child alone when their parents are going to jail.

Well actually, the whole jail scene in pretty inaccurate.
There should be a social worker for the child
Just, you know, do a bit of research o.o

By: sarabeth120

sarabeth120 — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Um. this is extremely confusing and is way too rushed. You need to add more details and description. Instead of telling us everything, show us.

I’m left with a lot of questions:

If they’re so poor that her parents were stealing food, why do they have an electric stove and a refrigerator. Where did that food come from anyway. A few sentences before that, we learned that there was no food. Why is she being nice to this Jayden anyway. His dad did arrest her parents, right. Honestly, their friendliness towards one another and their relationship make absolutely no sense. Why would she think he’s amazing when it’s kind of his fault her parents are now in jail. If something like this happened in real life, the child would be taken into state custody, she would not be left to fend for herself, at least that would be the way to do it in this time period. If the time period is different from this one then you need to let the reader know.

There are also a few grammatical mistakes and some sentences sound awkward.