Little Golden Locket
I woke up and peaked out my window. Something was very wrong. My mother and father were on their knees with handcuffs on. There was a very tall handsome young man. He had golden brown cropped hair and dreamy green eyes. I ran up and put on the first set of clothes in my dresser. I grabbed my worn-down coat and dashed through the door.“Let my parents go.” I screamed on the top of my lungs.
“Oh, you must be their daughter Annabelle. I’m Jayden. My father is arresting your parents for stealing food.” replied Jayden.
“Yes, my name is Annabelle and WAIT. You don’t understand my family is poor and we cannot afford food.” I yelled with all my might.
“You can’t just go around stealing food Annabelle. I don’t care how poor you are YOU CAN’T STEAL FOOD. It’s against orders.” proclaimed Jayden.
“So, where are my parents being taken to and how long.” I questioned.
“They are going to prison for a few weeks. I can’t say exactly how long because that depends on their behavior. Could be weeks or could be months.” Jayden announced with a grin.
“Very well then.” I expressed firmly,
“Can I ad least say goodbye to them.”
“If you must.” Jayden said with a sigh. I walked over to my crying parents.
“Mom. Dad. Please don’t leave me.” I cried.
“You will do well on your own. Trust me.” stated my tired old mother as her and Dad were on their way to prison.
Great, now what do I do. I’m alone with no food and no one to love me. I walked back to my house hoping to get some sleep.
Several hours pasted. I got up and made breakfast. I could hardly move knowing I might not be able to see my parents ever again. I turned on the electric stove and placed a black pan on it. I got two eggs from the fridge and cracked them into the pan. I stirred the egg white and the yoke in circular motions. I turned off the stove and poured the egg into my dish. I added some butter for extra flavor. I poured a cup of orange juice and then sat down at the kitchen table. I ate and then fell asleep again on the couch. I slept through lunch and dinner. By the time I woke up it was midnight. I scrambled into my room and onto the bed. I fell asleep again hoping this nightmare would go away.
I woke up and cleaned up the house. I cleaned all my plates, pans, utensils, and cups. I had the same eggs again, and I made them the same way. When I was done with breakfast I thought I would write in my journal for a little while. I got this journal for my sixteenth birthday— since it’s the only thing we can afford.
February 25, 2009
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I met this amazing guy. His name is Jayden. We talked for a little while but then I was tired so I just went inside and fell asleep. I made eggs for breakfast. I hope I get to see this guy again.
I heard a knock on the door so, I went to answer it. It was Jayden. Jayden walked over to me with a smile. I never noticed how his skin glows in the sunlight.
“I can take care of you.” Jayden smiled.
“Excuse me. How old are you.” I asked.
“I’m seventeen. Do you think I’m too old to hang out with a sixteen year old.” he laughed.
“I don’t need a babysitter.” I quoted trying to walk away but, he stopped me.
“Don’t consider me as a babysitter. Consider me as a friend hanging out with a friend.”
“Alright then. If you insist. Where should we go.” I explained.
“I think it’s time for lunch.” He said as I looked down.
“I don’t have any food remember.” I tried to explain to this gorgeous stranger.
“That’s okay. I’ll give you food. Come to my place.”
“Okay thanks. Where is your house.” I asked.
“It’s on the lake.” He smiled.
“You own that beautiful house on the lake.” I was so amazed.
“Yep. Let’s go.”
As we walked I was beginning to think I actually like this guy. He was perfect. His cropped golden brown hair matched his green eyes perfectly. He was wearing a blue button down shirt with dark navy blue jeans. It was a lot better than what I was wearing. I still had on my long pink shirt with my ripped up jeans with holes on the knees. My hair was frizzy with static. I kept trying to fix my hair when Jayden wasn’t looking.
I was in shock when we reached the house. It was gorgeous. The front door was a light brown wood color. The walls on the outside were gray stones. His roof was brown hay colored stone. It looked like a two story house. He grabbed the door and let me go in first. His first room in the house was a big hallway filled with dozens of portraits. The rug was blue and the walls wear a pearl white. I walked down the hall with him carefully studying every portrait. There was one I came across that looked exactly like me. The caption said “My Dream Wife.” Is he engaged. Did he have a fiancé. I wanted to ask but I was too shy.
We reached the end of t
I wanted to ask but I was too shy.
We reached the end of the hallway which opened up to a living room. The rug was a cream color that matched the walls. He had a very light cream color loveseat with a matching recliner. The furniture stood close to the fireplace covered in red bricks. He had a glass table that had a little crack in it by the fireplace.
“This is my living room.” He said. It was nice to hear his voice after moments of silence.
“It’s all truly amazing.” I stuttered.
“Yes well, the kitchen is right here. Help yourself to some food.” He ordered.
“Thanks.” I exclaimed.
The kitchen was a light purple color with a glass table fit for eight with comfy-looking chairs. Followed by the table were white counter-tops. I opened the white cabinets that matched the counter-tops, and saw a whole bunch of food. I opened the silver fridge in the wall and saw more food. Where did he get all this. I thought as I grabbed a potato and before I could do anything he stopped me.
“Let me do that dear. I don’t want you to hurt yourself cutting a potato using a knife.” he said with meaning.
“I can cut my own potato.” I said as I grabbed the knife from his hand. I placed the knife in the center of the potato on my hand and …
“SHOOT.” I screamed as I dropped my potato on the floor, “I cut my finger on the knife.”
“I told you to let me do it Annabelle.” He yelled.
“I’m sorry.” I said as tears rushed out of my eyes. I looked at the bright red blood gushing from my finger.
“You need stitches.” He said.
“I’m sorry. All I wanted was to cut my own potato.”
“It is going to be all right dear. I know how to perform stitches so you won’t have to go to the emergency room.” He stated trying to calm me down.
“Owwwwww. It hurts.” I screamed in agony. He came back from another room looking so happy with his trusty little first-aid kit.
I have an introduction. I just didn’t put it on here because it was too long.
“Let me do that dear. I don’t want you to hurt yourself cutting a potato using a knife.” he said with meaning.
“I can cut my own potato.” I said as I grabbed the knife from his hand. I placed the knife in the center of the potato on my hand and …
“SHOOT.” I screamed as I dropped my potato on the floor, “I cut my finger on the knife.”
“I told you to let me do it Annabelle.” He yelled.
“I’m sorry.” I said as tears rushed out of my eyes. I looked at the bright red blood gushing from my finger.
“You need stitches.” He said.
“I’m sorry. All I wanted was to cut my own potato.”
“It is going to be all right dear. I know how to perform stitches so you won’t have to go to the emergency room.” He stated trying to calm me down.
“Owwwwww. It hurts.” I screamed in agony. He came back from another room looking so happy with his trusty little first-aid kit.

6 Responses to “I’m writing a story. Here’s the first chapter. Do you like it.”
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there’s not really a good intro
It’s a great plot but it seems to rushed through.
But I’m confused.why is she befriending the son of the man who arrested her parents.
Overall a great story.
Um. there is practically no action in this story. dont like it. first of all, how can annabelle think she wont see her parents again if they’re only going to prison for a couple weeks. and how does she have eggs and orange juice and butter if theres no food. did they steal that too. gawsh. its actually kinda boring. im sorry.
Good start-however, for the first chapter I’d put in some background info. Like them on the streets, looking for food. It kinda took me a little while to know exactly what was going on. Good luck(:
Hey, my name is Carly too.
It’s OKAY, but you need to work on some things.
Like, when you say ‘Owwwwww’ you don’t need all the ‘w’.’Ow.’ would work just as fine.
Don’t use so many ‘I’s
And also, I don’t think they are going to leave a child alone when their parents are going to jail.
Well actually, the whole jail scene in pretty inaccurate.
There should be a social worker for the child
Just, you know, do a bit of research o.o
Um. this is extremely confusing and is way too rushed. You need to add more details and description. Instead of telling us everything, show us.
I’m left with a lot of questions:
If they’re so poor that her parents were stealing food, why do they have an electric stove and a refrigerator. Where did that food come from anyway. A few sentences before that, we learned that there was no food. Why is she being nice to this Jayden anyway. His dad did arrest her parents, right. Honestly, their friendliness towards one another and their relationship make absolutely no sense. Why would she think he’s amazing when it’s kind of his fault her parents are now in jail. If something like this happened in real life, the child would be taken into state custody, she would not be left to fend for herself, at least that would be the way to do it in this time period. If the time period is different from this one then you need to let the reader know.
There are also a few grammatical mistakes and some sentences sound awkward.