Jane had been walking to the school bus as she started to think about that days schedule. She would go to school then from there right away her mother would pick her up early to go to religious education after school and then her father would get home right before Jane and her mother did. Jane was used to this schedule because it was what she has done for the past two years. As she continued walking she started to hear footsteps behind her. It was late autumn and Jane hated the cold. She became very paranoid when it came to walking to the bus because it was so far away from her home, so she tried to think about other things. Jane started to walk faster. As she did she heard the footsteps start to go quicker. She immediately turned around and cried “Leave me alone.” on the verge of tears, but no one was there. She turned back around to see a man standing there. He plunged a knife straight through her stomach. She screamed ever so lightly, but no one was there to hear except for the man who had a devilish grin on his face as he slowly took out the knife from her stomach.
As Mrs. Jayzmiine was washing the dishes at her home she started to hear her dogs barking at the door. She didn’t mind, they usually barked at squirrels so this had no importance to her. As she looked at the clock to see that it was time to go pick up her daughter Jane, she put down her dish and got her keys. She opened the door to the garage and then the garage door. She pressed the button on her keys to unlock her car’s doors and as she was walking towards her car she forgot her coat and immediately ran back into the house. After she got her coat she came back to the garage. It was a small two car garage with many tools and equipment. She opened her car door, adjusted her mirrors and then pulled out. She was thinking in her mind about the phone call that she had left for the school earlier that day. “Hi this is Donna Jayzmiine, Jane Jayzmiine’s mother. I will pick her up early today don’t worry if I am late to pick her up this is due to the fact that my dog has been very sick. Don’t worry. Thank you.” What she didn’t know is the school actually got a message that sounded like this “Hi this is Onna Jayzmiine, Jane Jayzmiine’s other. Her, today, don’t worry, very sick, thank you.” In a very scattered order this is what the assistant in the school’s office heard. This was due to Mrs. Jayzmiine phone wires getting chewed by chipmunks. As she continued driving down her neighborhood’s streets she suddenly got a flat tire. She instantly pulled over and got out of the car to check it. “Uh… I am going to have to call her school” she said as she got back into her car. She pulled out her phone but before she could dial she saw a face starring at her in her rearview mirror. She was terrorized and shocked. She started to panic but before she could do anything blood was running down her throat. Her throat was primarily cut. She was dead.
As Mr. Jayzmiine came home he immediately started his usual pot of tea. He went in his bedroom to get changed as his two labs, Beaan and Cqoork, followed. He went first to his closet to get his pajamas then to his mirror to take off his watch. After all of this he got changed. What he didn’t know was that on his wife’s side of the closet were two dead bodies, still partially bleeding. As he went back into the kitchen to turn off his boiling tea he noticed his dogs were not around. This was very uncommon because they were always near him and now he couldn’t even hear them. He went back into his bedroom as he heard his dogs licking something. He was led by the sound into his wife’s side of the closet to find his dogs licking the blood off of his wife and daughter. “Jane. Donna. Wha – what happened.” He stuttered quietly as he started to grow teary. A man with a clean knife stepped out from behind the clothes. “Who are you.” He screamed while he started to cry. The man started to walk closer as Mr. Jayzmiine backed away. The man put the knife in a threatening position, Mr. Jayzmiine noticed this. He started to run into the kitchen as his dogs stayed in the closet. The man followed him. Fast thinking Mr. Jayzmiine took the hot water and threw it at the man’s unfamiliar face. The man screamed in pain as he growed enraged. He came at Mr. Jayzmiine very swiftly with his knife but Mr. Jayzmiine wouldn’t give up without a fight. As they both struggled the man finally got the knife into Mr. Jayzmiine stomach. After five stabs in the stomach Mr. Jayzmiine finally stopped screaming. Mr. Jayzmiine was dead.
The man simply dragged his body into the closet to join the other two dead bodies. He wiped the blood off from the floor after the dragging. He cleaned his knife off then put it away in the Jayzmiine’s drawer. He took his time and when he was done he simply sat down at the table. This man was not ordinary. He seemed to be normal from where he was from but no this man was anything but. His name was Roman Artscit. He was
He was an “average” business man, who was crazy in the head. He had done this type of thing before, but only to “Special” families, families that only had three members. He did these deeds of death only for his own pleasure the pleasure that he lost when his wife and son were killed in a fire. After that day he went crazy.
The Triangular Killer has Struck Again
The End
One Response to “Good story or not. (long).”
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This is not so much a story as a description of the death of a family, and not a really realistic one at that.
For a story, you want conflict that gets resolved, either in a positive or negative way.
You want a beginning, such as: See this ordinary family. Look at their normal routine.
Then there needs to be a middle with the introduction of conflict (Pick one point of view. Maybe the mother. You can have her leave the message for the school on her Cell Phone with a dying battery instead of chipmunks chewing on the wires. You can give us the suspense of her looking for her daughter, wondering where she is, running into a friend of the daughter who asked why she wasn’t at school, this kind of thing.
That way when the killer attacks the mother, you have a sense of suspense.
Then you have to have an ending, perhaps you could write it as though the father had a fighting chance, giving your readers an opportunity to feel like the nice family will win before the killer takes him out.
One last thing: Do a little research. Few people do things like this for no reason. The killer being “Crazy in the head” is not sufficient, especially for a jaded modern audience. He needs a reason why he’s acting this way. Did he have a motive for taking out this particular family. Why was he obsessed with three-person families. You said something about losing a family; typically this kind of psychotic break would require some kind of childhood trauma first, before he lost his wife and child. Give us a bit of what is going on in his “crazy” head, and not as a little postscript. Do a little bit of research on serial killers; there’s plenty on the internet.
I also recommend joining a writer’s workshop group if you want to write stories. There’s a high demand for thrillers, mysteries, and the like, but you have a lot of work to do before you’re ready to be published.